Wednesday, 30 December 2015

The Last Year of My Twenties.

Today I turn 29.. (insert 'not sure how I feel about this' meme).
In this post I wanted to note down the things I have achieved/accomplished while I was 28. I also want to write down the things I've learnt.
So let's get started, in no particular order:

I just about got over my fear of driving.
I started working again for the first time in 7 years.
I put myself out there with my photography, to volunteer with a charity.
I made a new friend (that's hard when you're an adult :) ).
I gave up my hair dying celibacy and dyed my hair GREEN and then PURPLE.
I got my Rapunzel length hair chopped!! (never again!)
Got reunited with a family member.
Dismantled a huge play house in the garden to make room for a little allotment and grew some vegetables, then forgot to look after it!
Got my first DSLR and started an online photography course.
Let the hubby live long enough to celebrate our first wedding anniversary and watched our first sunset together.

I've learnt first hand that if you give some people an inch, they will take a mile.
I've learnt that I am too soft and that I should really grow some balls.
I've learnt that it is possible to cry at a scary movie, which leads me to my next thing...
I've learnt that I am a very empathetic and emotional person.

I think that's about it, I'm not sure what I'd like to achieve before I turn 30, we'll just see what happens. I feel as though everyday I'm growing and learning, so I'm kinda looking forward to the next one of these.

Bye for now,
Take care,
Au Revoir,

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Do you have a resolution?

With 2016 just around the corner, it got me thinking about 'New Years Resolutions'.
Just about everyone makes them, whether it be to drink less (always a popular one on New Years Day), exercise more, or eat healthier, they usually, almost always, get broken...
I feel like I know what I NEED to do with a new year, a new start, and that is to be selfish!! Yeah, you read that right, selfish.
I need to think more about myself, focus on what makes ME happy and do whatever it takes, even if the thought of it scares the hell out of me. I need my mind back in a positive state and I am so ready for the challenge.. I think..
My list looks something like this: (Not in any specific order)

* At least try CBT and see where that takes me
* Say NO when I need to
* Get out a lot with my camera
* Be less modest
* Give myself some time each day to not think, just breathe, maybe start yoga...again!

Then I have the usual ones:

* Stop smoking...again!
* Do more cooking from scratch
* Start saving, somehow

I think thats it... oh wait,

* Drink more water

Have you got yours yet or started thinking about it? Whatever it is, I hope it makes you happy because that is all that matters. I wish you and myself luck :)

Take care

Sunday, 6 December 2015

I need a Christmas tree..

For the people that don't know me personally, I love, love, LOVE Christmas!! I love everything about it but one of the things I really enjoy doing is decorating my home.
When the 1st of December comes around, the decorations are straight up, this will be the longest we have gone without putting the tree up though and it's killing me. Hopefully next Sunday we will have our cute little fir and it will all be complete. I say complete, I'll probably see little bits and bobs while I'm out and keep adding to the decor until it's too late... I can't help it, I have a Christmas decor addiction.

This is what our house is looking like at the moment.

It's sooo priddy. I also really love seeing other peoples Christmassy homes, so send me some shots of yours. 

Take care


Tuesday, 1 December 2015

A magical Christmas bedroom

It's the 1st of December, wooooh!!
Our scout elf, Pickle, came back to stay with us until Christmas Eve again. There was no mischief this time, he actually did a lovely thing and transformed the boys bedroom while they were sleeping. I had two very, VERY excited children this morning, nagging me at 5.30am to go see what Pickle had done...
Here are a few shots of their bedroom.

I'm sure I'll be back soon to share any antics that Pickle gets up to.
Take care

Friday, 6 November 2015

Changing my perspective.

I'm usually a very positive, optimistic person, at least to other people. Towards myself, well let's just say my thoughts aren't pleasant, but I'm not here to talk about that today.
Anyway, have you ever just had that wave of realisation that just makes you... well... realise? I was just sat at the kitchen table, worrying about debt, fixing the car before the MOT, and just trying to afford the Christmas presents I would like to get my children, basically just general money troubles. I look up and my youngest gives me a cheeky grin, he's threatening to tell on his brother for trying to watch The Walking Dead on catch up TV. I then remember the facebook post I saw earlier, prayers been asked for another mothers strength and hoping against the odds for a miracle.
It makes me think of all the past posts that I've seen, some from direct facebook friends and some just through the community I'm a part of. Things that, if I even try a little to imagine, makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me think of how much they would give to be in my position right now, to just have money to worry about!
My children are at home with me, they are happy and healthy and I should be more grateful and not take the ordinary everyday for granted.
So, that's why I am now thankful for the debt, because its just money and we will get rid of it, eventually. I am thankful when I hear my children  arguing, or when I have to constantly pick up after them, because that just means, well I'd rather not say...
I know people are allowed to have their own problems and shouldn't feel guilty because other people have it worse, but it just helped me change my perspective on things and I don't think that that is a bad thing.

Take care


Sunday, 25 October 2015

Halloween Decor

Put your hand up if you love Halloween!! {Flings both arms into the air}
I don't just love it for the guilt free sweeties though, I love the pumpkin carving, the dressing up and most of all, its an excuse to decorate your home.

Here are a few bits of our Halloween accents, some of them I made a few years ago, but most of which I bought today whilst I was supposed to be shopping for paint, I didn't even get that paint!

On top of our stove fire, I have these teeny-weeny pumpkin LED lights, they are too cute. There is also a glass pumpkin tea light holder and a few cobwebs and spiders among the dried wheat. In the kitchen we have a pumpkin garland with some bats on the wall. Easy peasy bats, cut out from some card and folded to give some definition.

More cobwebs and spiders hanging from the bookshelf with a ghost tealight holder. There is also another glass pumpkin on the desk.

On the kitchen table there is a collection of witches potions which I made with some some empty glass bottles. I poured black paint into them and shook it about, and then emptied the excess. I got some plain paper, tore into ragged label size pieces and wiped a wet teabag over them to add some age. Once dry I just wrote some potion ingredients on each of then and stuck them onto the bottles. Simples. Oh, and more cobwebs..

On the desk along with the glass pumpkin we have our rat family, you can't see on the picture but two of them are tailless, poor rats... And next to the potions on the kitchen table are bones, huge bones. I made these from rolled up magazines, newspaper and paper mache. They were painted white and also wiped with tea to add age.

Oh, I forgot to mention the top picture, that pumpkin is hung on our front door. I picked it up from B&M last week, it was reduced, a lot, and I'm not even sure why, so bargain!

So that's how our home is looking at the moment, if I had my own way though I'd really go overboard and it would be terrifying. Obviously having two children under 10, I can't... Well, I could. No, I can't..ssh!

Happy Halloween


Saturday, 19 September 2015

The cuddle chromosome.

Back in 2006 I didn't just become a first time mum, I became a 'special needs mum'. I was 19 and our baby boy was born with Down Syndrome.
It was hard, but thinking back now I'm not quite sure why. It could've been my own ignorance put together with the way people made you think it should be hard. Those comments that went 'oh, I'm sorry' and 'I don't think I could do it'. 

So nine years later, I want to share with you what parenting a child with additional needs means to me, what I've come to realise and what I've learnt so far. 

The main thing I've come to realise is how bloody lucky I am. The chances were (the professionals like to call it 'risk') of having a child with DS at my age, about 1 in 2500, I was that 1. It's like the lottery, someone's gonna be the one that wins. Also unlike a lot of babies with DS, Poo-pie's heart was fine. There are so many CHD warriors, I honestly don't know how those parents get through the surgery, they have unbelievable strength. 
That will be the only medically bit in this post because another thing I've learnt is a lot of the info and facts from the professionals is bull crap! If you want information, come to the Internet and get it from parents with true experience.

When H was a baby, DS was a big deal, it was a huge part of our lives, it's something I used to worry so much over. Now I don't even think about it, I actually forget that he has it, he's just Harv. Don't get me wrong I sometimes have moments where I'm like 'oh god, he's 9 and can't really have a conversation' but they are rare and I just remind myself that he'll get there. Which takes me to the next thing I've learnt, patience. I'll be honest, I definitely don't have the patience of a saint, but you learn that what comes with been patient is a huge, overwhelming sense of pride. 

Another thing I've realised is that this little bit extra that he was born with contains extra love. He loves everyone, he's ALWAYS saying that he loves someone or something. And If he sees you, he cuddle you, if he meets you for the first time he'll cuddle you, if you're a barber and have just finished cutting his hair, he'll cuddle you. I can't help but wonder how peaceful the world would be if everyone had Down's syndrome. ☺️
There are still too many people out there that think people with DS are a burden on their families and society. I feel sorry for those people. I'm so thankful that Harvey is my son, he has made me a better person and has truly enriched my life.

Take care

Wednesday, 9 September 2015

The summer holidays are over...

Back to life, back to reality.

It's the first day of school, I don't know about you but I am sad. Seven weeks have gone by, just like that..vanished! We didn't manage to do a lot during the school holidays because of work commitments, I was going to work in the morning and Mike was leaving as soon as I got back to go work the night shift. It was like a tag team match. We DID book a camping weekend but Mike decided he'd rather get cellulitis in his leg and stay in the damn hospital instead. Bless him. But seriously, I've really loved just having the company of both my boys. We camped out in the back garden, complete with a fire and marshmallows, well it's not camping without them, is it?
The house has been loud, full of life and mostly messy but I've enjoyed every minute of it. There's been no rushing and no time schedules, just lovely lazy days.
Now they've both gone off into their new school year, Year One for Charlie bear and Year blimming Five for Harvey poo-pie. That just means one thing for me, they're growing up, and way too fast for me to handle.
I'll admit I am counting down the hours until I see them again, I can't wait to give them the biggest cuddle and tell them just how much I've missed them.

I love that these photos look like prison mugshots, when they have to hold up the board.. 😁

I hope all your children have or have had a brilliant first day back, and for those who got emotional, I feel you.

I vlogged the morning, for those of you who'd like to see, the link is below.

Take care

Tuesday, 10 March 2015

For Harvey, my little poo pie.

Nine years ago I started my journey,
along the motherhood road.
But it was a different path to others,
it would be long and slowed.

I was told you wouldn't do a lot,
by a doctor who was cruel.
I wondered about things that lie ahead,
would you talk and go to school? 

You were so sweet and little,
and at first all I could see,
was a future not so kind,
it was worrisome for me.

People said they couldn't do it,
and there was pity too.
I couldn't understand the difficulty,
you were just a baby with eyes big and blue.

You started to grow big,
and do things that made my heart swell.
I knew then the doctor was wrong,
no longer would I dwell.

I set you goals and targets,
and you smashed every one.
You worked so very hard,
I'm so thankful you're my son.

No longer are you a baby,
you've grown to be a young man.
So full of love for others,
everyone knows how proud I am.

You're funny and you're caring,
with a heart full of gold.
You're smart and sometimes stubborn, 
who knows what the future will hold.

But I have dreams and aspirations
For you, my darling boy.
I know you can do anything,
do whatever brings you joy.

So no longer do I see,
Your little disability.
I see your beautiful smiling face,
you're just perfect to me.

I love you more than you'll ever know.
From Mummy

Thursday, 29 January 2015

My name is Lucy and I am a hypochondriac...

I know, as a mother of young children it is not uncommon or unusual to worry from time to time about their future or fear over what would happen if one day I weren't around. When those thoughts become all that enter your mind, that's when it becomes damaging.

I won't be writing this with professional knowledge or using intelligent words, this is just me and my personal experience with.. well my own mind.

There was a time when I was happy, positive and could concentrate without those dreaded thoughts distracting me and taking over, that was around two years ago, then I found a lump in one of my breasts. My immediate thought was CANCER, I didn't know of any other reason that would cause this lump. I fought off the need to visit the doctor, for fear of been given the diagnosis and simply just hoping it would  somehow disappear. It didn't. It was painful physically and emotionally, I had to go.
In the waiting room my heart was racing, I felt sick to my stomach, in my mind I was going over the scenario that was about to happen. When I got into the Drs office I broke into tears. I was terrified.
I was arranged an ultrasound scan in the next couple of weeks. I can't remember how I got through those days, the nights were spent watching funny YouTube videos into the early hours, stealing much needed sleep just trying to distract my mind from the constant worry and destruction of my own thoughts.
The day came, first I had a consultation with a specialist who actually tried to tell me that my lump was a rib... It definitely wasn't, but he sent for a scan anyway. I sat in a tucked away waiting room with about four other women waiting to be called. All I kept thinking was the statistics say 1 in 3 women will get breast cancer. There was four of us, at least one of us is probably going home with heartbreaking news, cancer doesn't care which one.
It was my turn, I'd been in an ultra sound room a few times before, I was excited then though, now I felt like I would have a cardiac arrest my heart was beating so fast.
The lump was felt and picked up on the scan, after about 5 minutes examining, she told me she thinks it's just a lipoma and not really anything to worry about... Ah..relief, never felt anything like it. Until a few days later when a letter comes through the post, the consultant isn't satisfied, I need to go in for a biopsy. More waiting, more stressing. But I got the results back in a couple of weeks, they were fine. I rang Mike and I cried, I was so happy I was finally able to lift the burden.
(I realise that was a lot to read but that been the start of my health anxiety, I thought you needed to hear the full story.)

A couple of months later my step dad was back in hospital, he had a long term illness so this wasn't uncommon. In a week or so he'd be back home like usual playing bingo online, this wasn't to happen. Although I knew he wouldn't be with us forever, this was far too soon, I wasn't prepared in the slightest and even now, a year and 3 months down the line, I dont think it's completely sunk it. He is the closest person I've ever lost, I've never had to deal with grief like this before and the heartbreak it left me with is one I would never want my children to go through.

The breast pain is back but in a different place and I think I've found another lump, this ones different than the last. I've been checking them, constantly. Another Drs appointment and another scan later, they say they can't find anything and give me advice about breast pain. Relief again... Well maybe for a couple of weeks anyway, the pain is still there, the constant checking is still going on and the fear  of leaving my children motherless are permanently in my mind. I became afraid to go to sleep when Mike worked days, I had thoughts like if I don't wake up and Mike leaves at 5.30am, our poor boys will be at home on their own, maybe trying to wake their dead mum up. The thoughts made me sick and I would argue with myself, try teling myself to shut up but they were too hard to fight. I got to the point were I would get Mike to ring me at 8am just to make sure all was ok. I was physically ok but definitely not psychologically.

The thoughts still continue to overpower and I've recently been to the doctors again with back, chest and breast pain. I'd convinced myself I had lung cancer, as ridiculous as that sounds, it's so hard to push away. The Dr said I was fine but maybe sensitive to pain. It's difficult to accept it when I believe something to be really wrong with my body. I had a routine smear appointment this week and again I am unconsciously telling myself that they will find something, something wrong and I will be told I have a few months to live. Maybe to a few people this is laughable but believe me it's anything but funny experiencing it. I have found myself planning out letters that I will write to Mike and the kids for when I'm gone and things we need to do as a family before it's too late.

The main reason I wanted to write this blog was because last night I felt a panic attack coming on and anyone who has ever experienced them will know just how scary they are. Thankfully it didn't come and I managed to calm myself down, but I still had a feeling of a big tongue, small throat and excess saliva in my mouth, that continued until this morning. I went on Google and found that these are symptoms of anxiety. I realised that the whole morning I had been clenching my teeth. My body is so tense.
I've found out that anxiety can cause pain and that makes me feel a little better, not sure for how long but hopefully it will give my mind a little rest. It also makes me feel better knowing that health anxiety (hypochondria) is a real thing and that I am not alone. If anyone is reading this and has the same issues, I understand you and will give you support if you need some.

Thank you for reading this, I know it is long.

Take care